I Am Failing

I am failing. I am failing at being a wife. I am failing at being a mother. I am failing at being a Child of God. In life, everyday, I am failing.

I don’t say this to plead for sympathy or persuade you to tell me I’m not failing. I say this because it’s true. It is my truth right now, a truth I must face and find a way to conquer before it conquers me. It weighs on me with every passing minute, to the point I am in tears for no reason at all. No reason, other than I’m failing, and I know I’m failing.

I don’t look like I am. I do the things I’m expected to. I get dressed and head to work like an adult should do. I love my job, really. The family I work for is a blessing and I am fortunate to be part of their company. I pick my son up from daycare, “school” as he calls it. We walk hand in hand to the car. I count the stepping stones out loud as his feet hit the rough concrete because I know he’s learning and I want to teach him. At home, I make dinner or heat up leftovers or pick up take-out to ensure our nourishment. I sit on the floor and play animals. I vacuum when I can. I give baths and read stories. I give kisses and dance. From the outside looking in, you’d never know I’m failing.

But I am.

I’m failing at the big stuff, the deep in soul remember for the rest of your life stuff. I am failing at being the person I’ve always considered myself to be. I am failing at being me, and in turn, I am failing everyone I care about. I can’t be the wife my husband needs. I can’t be the mother my son looks to. I can’t be anything to anyone because I can’t even be the person I need me to be.

I just don’t know what to do. So, I came here to just write it down. Maybe to help my heart and head sort it all out. This is how I feel today, and most days, if I were honest. This is the feeling of weakness I cannot hide from, the shadow stealing my smile. This is the scary truth, the bud of the bud and the heart of the heart, I needed to admit today.

The worst part of it all is I don’t know how to fix me. I don’t know if I can be fixed. I am completely and utterly at a loss. I don’t know even know how to put into words exactly why I’m failing.

I know I am, though.